Books That Bind

Initially, when thinking about the concept of a chosen family, I had the urge to argue this isn’t a part of my experience. I have relatively strong relationships with those in my immediate family. There have been no major instances of conflict, resulting in the need to cut ties and seek new relations. 

However, I am noticing the older and more opinionated I get, the more the family dynamics change. What were once more carefree relationships are now often overshadowed by life difficulties as well as dreaded politics. People get set in their ways, myself included, and more often than not, I don’t have the energy to extend beyond conversations of the weather. This makes me feel sad as well as some major guilt, but what’s a girl to do with this one life?

I find myself circling back to the fact that I have three kids and a full time job; I need to protect my mind and soul. I will be there when people are sick, or need help, for family events and game nights, but I am not going into deep banter. I am not going to explain myself when I have to speak up to hurtful statements or ludicrous proclamations about others. I will say it’s wrong and they should know better but I have to leave it at that. I am not looking to disown anyone, but I have had to find deeper meaningful relationships elsewhere to fill my cup.

Remember post-covid, when we were all desperately trying to be social creatures again, and it was really awkward but very necessary for sanity? Things were unstable and uncomfortable. Family dynamics, especially from the political lens, were full of often unbearable tension. On top of that, it was necessary to get a “mom” break. That’s the time I pushed myself to venture out and find “my people”. I had picked up reading again and really wanted to talk about books with others. I attended a general topic book club meeting at a local bookshop. I remember being extremely nervous and uncomfortable. These people clearly knew each other and I felt like a total outsider. But I was determined to participate. I kept attending and becoming more comfortable with the group. 

Within the broad group, breakout relationships were forming. Some participants had a more specific interest in the romance genre. A new book club formed and the smaller group led to closer relationships. Within this gathering, I found friends with a common interest in books but also interests in movies, thrifting, crafting, parenting and much more. I also found myself present for others’ successes (friends becoming authors) and devastation (friends grieving loss). My favorite part about this chosen group of ladies was that they had nothing to do with my work, or my family. They were people with their own backgrounds, that were strangers to me, that I would have never met had I not put myself out there.  

There are such interesting characters in our collective, but one commonality is that many of us left the confines of our religious upbringings and are now learning to navigate life without that engrained guiding practice. 

Speaking for myself, I was raised Catholic. I loved the structure, routine and rituals of the religion.  But, of course, hated the hateful and hurtful things humans have done to each other over time and in the name of religion. I have been slowly untangling myself from those confines over the past 25 years, and even now I am still shaky. This caused familiar strife, especially initially, but now it is more felt through little comments or jabs, and then left alone. As a side note, I read Nonverts: The Making of Ex-Christian America by Bullivant and it really hit home on my thoughts and experience on the matter.

All that to say, I have been working through this for a long time. Other women in my group seem to have just started these journeys of either leaving religion or finding what is right for them. It has been interesting to witness and discuss.

It has been especially fascinating (and hilarious) while discussing romance that includes the really dark, nasty but oh so delicious stuff. The conversations about sex and partners and what they do to each other is truly so much fun. Add in the conflicting messages about sex and religion that many of us grew up with, and it makes for a really good time.   

These ladies and I have been going strong for about three years now. I am grateful every day for the community and enrichment they bring to my life. I love a tribe of unique, interesting, complex, joyful, caring females coming together under the pretense of reading books but sticking around due to the significance of being a part of something really special.   

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Erin is a wife and a mother of three children, a crochet fiber artist and an avid reader of unabashedly spicy romance. She just completed her 15th year as a special education teacher. She’s dabbled in writing fan fiction and would like to explore writing more.