Power Push and Pull

Trigger warnings: pregnancy, childbirth, miscarriage, c-section, episiotomy, nonchalance 

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The power in pregnancy and childbirth is a push and pull. I am grateful and lucky to have experienced it, and have three (of the four) children alive, healthy and happy. For me, it is quite a distant memory since I had my last child over eight years ago. However, there are definitely some things that stick out as power being given and power being taken away.

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My first pregnancy and childbirth experience was over 13 years ago.  At the time, there was a push toward natural childbirth at home. I decided that was for me, too. We planned it through many appointments and discussions with a midwife. This all felt very empowering. I knew what to expect and I had everything in control.  However, when labor started nine days late and despite all the prep, I realized how out of control it all felt. I labored at home for two days. We had tried everything to get the child out. The decision was made, with my approval, to go to the hospital. I was considered to be in an emergency situation and was immediately scheduled for a c-section. I had gone from the powerful decision of having a homebirth, with all of my choices being considered entirely, to completely turning over the power to medical professionals.

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My next pregnancy was exciting to discover, but ended up being very short. I was ten weeks along when the fetus had no heartbeat. Given the choice of medically miscarrying or allowing the process of miscarriage to happen naturally, I chose natural, which meant waiting for my body to do what it needed to do. What a grueling, painful experience. Thank goodness they have pain meds for that. Later on, I joked (morbidly) that I got my homebirth.

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Pregnancy number three was going to be my do-over pregnancy. I took into consideration how the homebirth situation did not go well, so I made a powerful decision to give birth in a hospital. I focused on everything else being natural including using a birth tub and no pain medication. Once again, things did not go as planned. I progressed through labor minimally and the child had a fever. I was told I had to have another c-section. I was devastated with all choices being taken away.

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During my last pregnancy, I felt powerless. I went into it with no expectations. I made it known I would prefer not to have another c-section. Other than that, I didn’t get too invested in the details. My labor started five days early, and I was in the hospital without much preparation. I had an epidural. I laid in bed. I did what I was told.  After hours of labor, an episiotomy was recommended. That was the only thing I tried to decline, but ultimately gave in. Moments later, my last child was born. I was in pain, basically gutted, but I got that damn “natural” birth I had wanted.

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There is so much push and pull in pregnancy and childbirth between parents, providers and even the unborn children themselves. What a wild experience it all is. It's a miracle any of us survive it.

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Erin is a wife and a mother of three children, a crochet fiber artist and an avid reader of unabashedly spicy romance. She just completed her 15th year as a special education teacher. She’s dabbled in writing fan fiction and would like to explore writing more. Follow Erin on instagram