Showing Up

As a young adult, I spent most of my time trying to figure out how to run away from myself only to realize that no matter where I went, there I was. This journey took me across 5 continents, 24 countries, and countless times starting over in a new place with no language skills, no job lined up, and no connections.

These times could be incredibly lonely, but they were also some of the most empowering of my life. From finding myself part of a traveling youth polka band in Paraguay to Friendsgivings in China, from late night hostel conversations in Australia to drinking under the midnight sun in Iceland, I always managed to find my place with souls who were just as lost as I was.

When I finally returned home to Oregon in the midst of COVID, I realized slowly that my family made me feel more alienated than I had ever felt in all my blank slates on faraway adventures. When I came out to them, I only did so after moving out and making sure that I had a roof over my head–a prescient decision, as their reaction caused me to cut contact with them soon after.

Not long after I began this journey, my longtime best friend had her first child. After a decade of sporadic and well-meaning attempts to keep in better contact, since his birth I make sure to show up to dinner once a week so that kid knows who will always be there for him.

Dealing with decades of emotional and physical abuse from my parents led to unintentionally grayrocking my parents and feeling out of sync whenever I heard people talk about the meaning of family. But I realized I found my own examples of family more meaningful: an old friend inviting me to her faraway wedding and picking up right where we left off; my wife telling me she wanted to take care of me–on our second date–and me dissolving into tears; a group of ragtag English teachers pooling our meager incomes to help a friend visit her dying grandfather half a world away. 

In the end, family are the people with whom we surround ourselves. Family is who shows up.

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Evelyn Kocher (she/her) immigrated from Indonesia with her family to her hometown of Beaverton at the age of 3. She graduated cum laude from Oregon State University in 2018 with an Honors Bachelor’s of Arts in cultural anthropology and international studies. Formerly the interim executive director of the Oregon Student Association, she now is the communications manager at Latino Network. She is also active in policy spheres, writing and passing bills to change the state song and and expand trans and abortion rights in Oregon. She currently serves on the boards of the American Civil Liberties Union of Oregon, Westside Queer Resource Center, and Equality PAC. She has lived in five different countries and speaks ten different languages.