The Dare To Stay

I have been reflecting on the past a lot lately and considering how things were then in my life versus how it is now. As a young person, everything was carefree and exciting. Without life experience, it was hard to see the whole picture of any given situation. Looking back, I recall good times with friends and family. Holiday parties, summer reunions, visits and celebrations, parties and clubbing. The opportunities to gather and make merry were plentiful. 

I was a part of a large family of party animals who enjoyed each other’s company. But there was a darker side that was invisible to me at the time. So much alcohol abuse and dependence. I thought it was all fun and games, as a kid – something funny to observe and sneakily participate in. But I didn’t think much beyond that. While it was the norm in my family to be surrounded by all of that and while I am sure it was similar to many others’ childhood experiences, I am super proud that I didn’t let it take over my life. It easily could have. Looking back, I am glad I have a strong feeling that I was cutting it close.

I can think of so many drunken situations that I put myself in. A group of underage people downing beers in a dark forested park, slipping down a hill of blackberry bushes, driving a van full of minors around town as one throws up in the back seat, downing shots of everclear until puking and shitting myself silly in a strangers front yard, being a mean girl to those who didn’t deserve it, going down a slide from a roof to a pool, too many cringy dance club scenes to mention, and the list goes on. I mean, sure, some of this is normal growing up stuff and yes, much of it was fun at the time. But my goodness, to have survived to tell the tale seems like a miracle to me sometimes.

As a person in my forties, I see things differently. I could have kept going down this track. It was possible and, in fact, quite likely I would have, given the trajectory of so many in my family. I can think of a couple things that steered me in a different direction – a huge part is having a partner that never really drank. His family was not much for drinking.  Also, he also experienced a TBI as a young teenager and he essentially grew up too fast, skipping a lot of those exploration years. Another thing was my getting in and out of college relatively quickly. While the partying occurred, it didn’t really drag on and on. Plus, I worked so many jobs during that time that I actually had to be responsible. Other things that have kept me on the straight and narrow, were becoming a school teacher and a mother. Although these last two reasons are often why some people choose to drink and that makes me chuckle.  

Probably the biggest reason for my staying straight was when my brother died at such a young age (27) after two tours of Iraq. While he did not die during active duty, he did die due to the stress and trauma of what he experienced. It hit me very hard but it destroyed my parents and my other brother. I had to keep myself in check and not waste away because I had a six month old baby at the time. I had to be strong when others could not find a way to do so. I watched people hurt themselves with alcohol to numb the pain of losing a child and a sibling. It was a really dark time, especially initially, and it continued for years after his loss. Some of those close to me have found a path forward and have left the dependency.  Others have not.  

All the while, I remain here. The truth is I have let go of trying to be a savior or the one to solve problems. Alcohol is absolutely awful for those who are addicted. But sadly, it is the norm and it is acceptable. While I may have a drink one or two times per year, it is nothing like the consumption of my twenties or even remotely of those around me who have not been able to get the help they need to quit. If someone wants to help to get better, they will. One person I know told me they were sure they were going to die soon if they didn’t change and through strong, goal-minded will, they were able to get better. But that mindset is not feasible for others. While I want to be sympathetic, more often I feel angry about it, or the bigger truth is that I am just sad. Sad for everyone that struggles in this way. It is awful to witness.  

I have had to dare myself to love those who I get to have in my life, while I get to have them, despite the pain and sadness it brings. I have had to curate the good times and hold those memories, in place, above the heartache. It’s never easy.  But who said it would be?

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Erin is a wife and a mother of three children, a crochet fiber artist and an avid reader of unabashedly spicy romance. She just completed her 15th year as a special education teacher. She’s dabbled in writing fan fiction and would like to explore writing more.

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