Unmasked Through Female Friendships

Growing up, I considered myself a “tomboy,” and for many years I prided myself on that identity. I enjoyed activities that were expected of children of the opposite gender, and societal expectations had me feeling an otherness I didn’t associate with being a girl. 

Back in school, I had a few close female friends, but they came and went, and I can admit that I didn’t value those connections as much as I should have. But over time, I learned the importance of having different types of friends, particularly those who don’t identify as male. 

My main group of women, whom I lovingly call my nerd friends, started out as co-workers during my time in retail, and our decades-long friendships have only grown stronger. 

We can laugh and be giddy as we spend time puzzling or playing games one minute, and then get into serious, bone-deep conversation with such fluidity that it almost seems surreal how natural it is. Our easy companionship has been so good for letting down our masks that we might otherwise carry around. 

My book club is another incredible group of girlfriends. They are a group that has been so open to sharing and learning, and I try to surround myself with them as much as possible. We started off by discussing books, of course, but often the discussions became more about our lives, our struggles, and our joys intersecting. I’ve learned so much from this incredible group of women. 

These stories in different groups have been vital to me, and those experiences are truly incomparable. 

Sometimes it’s a shared interest sparking conversations, or maybe it’s watching a TV show over and over with your best friend, other times it’s working with a collection of writers at a local coffee shop, pulling tables and chairs together, and plugging in laptops. 

I’ve recently found myself enveloped by a writing collective. This group of friends is more productivity-minded as we all have a similar goal of publishing books. We set timers in libraries and coffee shops, sharing details of our lives, work events, and then when the timer goes off, we are silent with our headphones on and our keys clacking as we work together on our individual projects. 

When the timers buzz again, we’re back to talking together, and on and on, until it’s time to leave. And though this group has a very distinct purpose, it is no less meaningful. The connections, while professional, are also deeply resonant as we see each other through good and bad times, workshop solutions to problems, offer industry and life advice, and generally just enjoy each other’s company while working towards something that is often a solo endeavour, have been invaluable as we celebrate and commiserate together. 

After I’ve nurtured different friendships, whether they be in a book club, or through a writing group, or even a group of nerdy coworkers, I’ve found they were all built on unique shared experiences, then forged in vulnerability and trust as the relationships deepened. These forged friendships, while vastly different, make me feel like a part of something so real and treasured. 

Now that I am in this amazing stage with my different groups of friends, I feel so much more connected and at peace than I had before. The rich community I’ve found in these groups is unlike anything else I’ve ever had. 

Looking back, I realize how much I was robbing myself of important friendships throughout most of my childhood and young adult years. I was wrong to minimize female friendships, and I had missed out on close connections, to my own detriment.

And now, I pride myself on cherishing the women around me, and fully appreciate the different friend groups I’m fortunate enough to have. Each group has its own nuances, and each gives me what I need in different ways.

Because there is something truly special about being able to show up as I am, unfiltered, raw, and sometimes messy, and be completely accepted for it.

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Lacey Cole believes in the power of friendship, in telling stories by a campfire, and in happily ever afters. When she's not writing romcoms, she's probably in a bookstore, gaming with friends, or herding cats with her partner.

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